Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Believing Beyond Feelings

           This is an experience in life I would gladly change, erase it, fully eradicate it from my story....from Karagen's story.  Medulloblastoma......Cancer.....POOF-BE GONE!  Unfortunately things don't work that way and I can't re-write our story by simply grabbing a clean sheet of paper.  I firmly believe our stories are written by the Father before we are ever born.  He holds the pen and paper, He is the Author....in my story....in these preciously few chapters Karagen and I share.  This is my story..... our story....His story...for us.  I wouldn't take the pen from Him, even in these worst of circumstances, I  know I would mess everything up in an attempt to do "better".
  
            Through this chapter, the cancer chapter, I have gone to places I have never been.  Experienced feelings I have only contemplated and seen my daughter go through things from my worst imaginings.  This place, this strange new place where faith and feelings do not meet,  this place where up is the only direction to look.  This place where it is one foot in front of the other, this place that finds me on my knees in my heart constantly yet with no time for the literal bowing of my knees. The chapter I wish I could change, put the last period to. Rip it out- DESTROY it!

             So the feelings are there, oh yes!  The anger, the frustration, the "I can't take anymore!"  The fear, the heart break, the desperate need for hope, for faith!  So this is is how it feels to be HELD.  Strange.  The struggle..... the surrender.  Like a feral kitten needing to be tamed, fighting to trust and to be calmed.  This is the place where FAITH is reaching out without feeling!
        
            The woman with the issue of blood.  She had spent ALL her living seeking a cure.  No hope, doctor after doctor, the words were the same "no hope!"   She sought the comfort of healing, the surety of another day WITHOUT her disease.  She sought the ability to be normal, to have an ordinary day to just....be.  Unable to worship in the synagogue, unable to be touched by her husband (if she had one), unclean, desperate.  What would I do if I were her? She had to have been exhausted from her disease.... from seeking a cure, an end to the agony!   A private battle unseen perhaps by many, the battle inside disguised by human flesh.  Beneath those robes, behind those eyes, was a heart so hungry for healing.  This woman heard about Jesus, heard about a man who was changing lives, making blind men see, the lame walk, the DEAD to LIVE again!  So she fought against all odds, fought against the crowds of unseeing and unsympathetic people.  She fought against her weakness, her fraility.  She fought against ideas of her own making, "He won't have time for you",  "He won't even notice you", "There is no way He can make the difference".  But her faith reached out, lifting the arm so tired of trying.  Moving the feet so tired from her journey, lifting her tear dry eyes to Jesus!  And He NOTICED!   Not only did He heal her completely, He noticed her!  She believed beyond her feelings.

           Tonight, I am her.

13 comments:

  1. Allowing these painful circumstances to keep you dependent upon our Savior...Amazing faith! Many continue to lift you up to the Father; you are a blessed woman.

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  2. So thankful you are sharing your heart! And praying some more!
    Jessica

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  3. Crystal, you don't have to "publish" this comment, but I just wanted to recommend that, if you have time, this would be a GREAT post to link at some of the link ups. Wednesday link ups include Raising Homemakers and Women Living Well. This beautiful post should be shared and would help rally more prayer warriors for Karagen.

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  4. Bless you, Crystal! I think of your all so often--always with prayer and hope!

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  5. Bless your heart. This made me cry. A broken heart..God will not resist. He's there with His arms open wide. When you see only 1 set of footprints.....it's then that He's carrying you! Lots of love and prayers coming your way.

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  6. We are praying and trusting God to guide you thru this process. I'm amazed at the way God works. He is FAITHFUL. Keep your hand in his.

    Love & Prayers
    The Combs

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  7. Very moving, and I'm glad for your ability in the midst of your struggle to hold on to your faith! I'm sure you are an inspiration to those around yoy.

    You have a beautiful family and I will add you all (especially your precious little girl) to my prayers!

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  8. Oh, Crystal, how my heart aches for you! I praise God for the faith and grace and mercy He continues to pour out on you. What a testimony you are to those around you, and especially to your precious daughter. We continue to pray, pray, pray.

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  9. Crystal, I can't begin to imagine your emotional pain but I do know from experience that God understands your feelings and will never turn away from someone sharing their heart with Him. He invites you to come to Him anytime and in any frame of mind. He will not scold you for opening your heart and mind to Him. He will hold you in His arms. Praying for you all.

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  10. Always in my prayers. "Why", is so hard. Praying the Lord will comfort you Crystal. You are a beautiful Author.

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  11. Crystal I know how you feel. You hope and pray that things will turn out right but you finally come to that place where you have no where to look but up. And finally you realize that He knows what is best and you can be happy with what is meant to be. Cherish all things big and SMALL for this is what truly matters.
    Always praying for all of you. Love Cheryl

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  12. You don't know me, but I am praying for your sweet Karagen - and your entire family as well. Thank you for sharing your heart and your faith. In the midst of everything, I pray that you will continue to experience a deeper intimacy with the Lord - to find divine comfort and peace in Him. ~ Karen

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