Thursday, December 27, 2012

Favorite Christmas Card

Christmas Day was actually easy.  I wasn't surprised.  But the day after....when everyone went home and the hustle and bustle was gone and the quiet seeped in....that's when it was hard. 
Why didn't they call us?
Why didn't they come here?
Why did this have to happen?
The battle against anger and bitterness.
The bad dream that will not end, the truth that continues to sting, the child that will be forever missed.
The comfort of Jesus who reaches us....and fills our every longing.
God WITH us.
This is the promise we cling to, this is the promise of Christmas!

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Grief Speaks 1

It's unpredictable as weather, only with more variations.

I can laugh, smile and cry at the same time.

I can hold a child while longing for another.

"You haven't combed your hair in how many days?"

Christmas music makes me cry.

Kindness makes me cry.

As a pastor and wife we are supposed to be reaching out....but we have so. little. energy.

I want to forget (or at least not think about it for awhile) yet I desperately want to remember! 

I am so blessed, but I still want her back.

"How long will I hurt?" Oh...... it's only been 6 weeks.

Who's counting?  I am!!!!!

He has wiped every tear from her eyes, taken her pain away FOREVER.....
but I still hurt, and cry.

This is MY pain.

"No it's OUR pain"-God

You didn't heal her!!!!  "Yes I did...and unlike the miracles, the healing's in the Bible, I healed her permanently!"

Grief is the gift that keeps on giving...pain.

There is no such thing as good grief! 

Life is sweet, so bitter sweet.  I have learned it's ok to be angry, angry at God..... at life.  You can be angry with God but still trust Him.  He is my Abba Father.... my Daddy God.  I express my feelings to Him and He doesn't turn away.  I see His arms open in compassion and His eyes fill with tears....for me....for my pain. 

Rest assured your heart is broken and will break again.

My heart has been breaking one piece at a time since Karagen's diagnoses April 4, 2012.  That day will forever live in infamy.

There is a Savior,
What joys expressed,
His eyes of mercy,
 His word is rest,
For each tomorrow, for yesterday,
There is a Savior who lights our way

     While grief has no known route, and the road of it twists and turns unpredictably, God is helping guide us through this journey.  I feel like this journey has no "map", only a faithful ever present guide, the Savior who promised "I will be with you!"  Grief is a dark place....yet it does not consume.  Its darkness is lit by trust and hope, in our God who will never leave or forsake.  "When I could not come.... to where He was, He came to me!"