This is an experience in life I would gladly change, erase it, fully eradicate it from my story....from Karagen's story. Medulloblastoma......Cancer.....POOF-BE GONE! Unfortunately things don't work that way and I can't re-write our story by simply grabbing a clean sheet of paper. I firmly believe our stories are written by the Father before we are ever born. He holds the pen and paper, He is the Author....in my story....in these preciously few chapters Karagen and I share. This is my story..... our story....His story...for us. I wouldn't take the pen from Him, even in these worst of circumstances, I know I would mess everything up in an attempt to do "better".
Through this chapter, the cancer chapter, I have gone to places I have never been. Experienced feelings I have only contemplated and seen my daughter go through things from my worst imaginings. This place, this strange new place where faith and feelings do not meet, this place where up is the only direction to look. This place where it is one foot in front of the other, this place that finds me on my knees in my heart constantly yet with no time for the literal bowing of my knees. The chapter I wish I could change, put the last period to. Rip it out- DESTROY it!
So the feelings are there, oh yes! The anger, the frustration, the "I can't take anymore!" The fear, the heart break, the desperate need for hope, for faith! So this is is how it feels to be HELD. Strange. The struggle..... the surrender. Like a feral kitten needing to be tamed, fighting to trust and to be calmed. This is the place where FAITH is reaching out without feeling!
The woman with the issue of blood. She had spent ALL her living seeking a cure. No hope, doctor after doctor, the words were the same "no hope!" She sought the comfort of healing, the surety of another day WITHOUT her disease. She sought the ability to be normal, to have an ordinary day to just....be. Unable to worship in the synagogue, unable to be touched by her husband (if she had one), unclean, desperate. What would I do if I were her? She had to have been exhausted from her disease.... from seeking a cure, an end to the agony! A private battle unseen perhaps by many, the battle inside disguised by human flesh. Beneath those robes, behind those eyes, was a heart so hungry for healing. This woman heard about Jesus, heard about a man who was changing lives, making blind men see, the lame walk, the DEAD to LIVE again! So she fought against all odds, fought against the crowds of unseeing and unsympathetic people. She fought against her weakness, her fraility. She fought against ideas of her own making, "He won't have time for you", "He won't even notice you", "There is no way He can make the difference". But her faith reached out, lifting the arm so tired of trying. Moving the feet so tired from her journey, lifting her tear dry eyes to Jesus! And He NOTICED! Not only did He heal her completely, He noticed her! She believed beyond her feelings.
Tonight, I am her.