I just need it to stop, just for a moment.
But it doesn't.
The impossibility of time bending to my will.
I want it to be over.
I want it to last forever.
I want it to be tomorrow where hope lives and freedom rules.
Where justice is served and my heart is as free as my spirit.
What do you do when time needs to move quickly...
Yet you want it to stop tick, tick, ticking.
This is the beginning of my admitting, my confessing to myself that my marriage is over.
In fact it's been over for a long time.
"You've had your foot out the door for the last three years!"
If it's true then the truth doesn't hurt.
It's a painless blow.
It's an inanimate object with no life or feeling.
It just lays their between us.
The gulf grows.
I find comfort in the distance.
I can breathe again.
I can feel again.
My bed is safety.
There is peace within my walls.
My mind becomes my fortress.
The strength I daily find is incumbent with resilience.
There is no more sifting through questions seeking for answers.
There is the simple and plain truth spread before me like a picnic blanket in the sun.
The food is prepared and displayed.
Each dish present holds sorrow and betrayal.
There is shame.
There is loathing.
There is joy and love nestled in with the condiments.
They are the children that this banquet produced.
They are the salvation of the hope that never dies.
They are my saving grace, the desert whose sweetness never ends.
In the midst of the vile and the persecuted...
The gift of innocence and the proclamation that it wasn't all for naught.
I am learning to be my own authority. How I navigate the unknown waters of my new found and deeply appreciated independence. I have removed the filter and within the uncharted waters of freedom, I trail my fingers through, contemplating the coolness and fluidity of the liquid.
I determine that I will be present in the moments, all the moments where time keeps ticking. I will be present to feel the joy that I believe in, the beauty found in small things that take my breath away. I will look into the face of love and dare to believe that it is true, it is just and it is given. I will find beauty in the small things because the small things aren't small at all. They conjoin in a mass of joy to burst into being the big things that matter. The creation of things that always matter.
There is freedom in the sound of surrender. Surrender to time that will neither stand still or speed ahead. There is freedom to feel what I feel and accept the truth and the facts for what they are.
This is my life. I am present. I am here. I exist within this never ending vortex of time.
Wednesday, March 9, 2016
My scripture passage was 1 Corinthians 9:1-15. Here was my ending prayer, "Lord, please help me to have an attitude of complete trust with you. Please help me to trust you step by step no matter what my future holds. Please help me to follow your leadership in my life and enable me to love and serve my children. I love you so much."
This scripture passage meaning was not immediately clear, and I plan on asking my pastor for his insight into it, as well as digging into a commentary on it. I did capture the thought of 1 Corinthians 9:14 where Paul speaks of those who "proclaim the gospel getting their living from the gospel." I assume this means that those who proclaim the gospel will be fed not only with the spiritual nourishment of the word of God, but also with physical nourishment resulting from sharing the gospel. Such as making a living from it. Or it could mean that those who proclaim the gospel will be taken care of by the gospel. Essentially, those that proclaim the gospel will find divine provision from the Heavenly Father, He sees their tireless labor and He will reward them as they deserve. Paul has certain rights as an apostle and as one who has proclaimed the gospel. However, he is pointing out that he refuses to take advantage of these rights, and instead, chooses to live simply and by faith. I also took another application here, and that is, God will provide for those who honor Him in their labor and kingdom work. It brings to mind, "where God guides, He always provides."
Slick, M. (n.d.). Is it okay for pastors to be paid for ministry? Retrieved March 08, 2016, from https://carm.org/pastors-paid
Thursday, February 25, 2016
"Listen, O Job; stop and consider the wondrous miracles of God." Job 37:14 NLT
"Praise the God who gives, and takes away," Casting Crowns. Learning to praise God in spite of the difficulties we face is a challenging task. Learning to trust Him when we cannot comprehend and lean on Him when we cannot see. To trust His heart for us when we simply cannot, absolutely not understand. Learning to glorify God for His wondrous miracles. In Job's life we see physical evidence of God's tremendous miracles. His favor is evident in the profound blessing He bestows after Job perseveres through his great calamity. Yet this brings up the question, what do you do when things do not work out in your favor? Essentially, even though Job was restored in multiple ways, it did not bring back his original children. How do we reconcile the "wondrous miracles of God" when we do not receive our desired miracle? I have struggled with this question myself.
Like any other normal person, I love a happy ending. When all things work out, everyone is happy and the good guy wins. Yet in the entirety of Job's story, he did not really win, he overcame. He was not passive, he had to choose to stand in faith in the midst of his questioning and desolation. The wondrous miracles of God are often displayed in the fact that He has brought us through our difficulty in one piece. That somehow, in spite of our doubts, tears and agonizing questions (often receiving no answers) we emerge from our trials to proclaim that God is good! He will bring beauty from these ashes and He makes all things beautiful in His time. The wondrous miracle is the work He does within our hearts, within the battle. The wondrous miracle is Christ within us, the hope of glory.