Monday, June 25, 2012

Looking Up

   Looking up when you're at the bottom is hard.  Facing literal death.  Facing impossible situations, looking up takes all your energy.  I just did a quick search in the Bible on not being afraid, there were over 85 verses about it.  God knows we humans are fearful, God knows I am.  God knows our situation and is NEVER caught by suprise.

                            God is drawn to our weakness!

 Jesus Calms the Storm
Mark 4:36-40  
36 And when they had sent away the multitude, they took him even as he was in the ship. And there were also with him other little ships.

37 And there arose a great storm of wind, and the waves beat into the ship, so that it was full.

38 And he was in the hinder part of the ship, asleep on a pillow: and they awoke him, and said unto him, Master, carest thou not that we perish?

39 And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm.

40 And he said unto them, Why are ye so fearful? how is it that ye have no faith?

     I have felt like these disciples did here, "Don't you care?"  I have felt the intense, agonizing fear about the future.  Their lives were at stake.  They saw the wind, those waves threatening to capsize their boat.  Oh, it's so easy for me to see those things so clearly in my life.  Through the salt water stinging my eyes, through me shielding my face and body from yet ANOTHER wave, me cowering in the corner from the crashing of the thunder, I peek out from under my arm and find Jesus there!

      The hardest thing for these poor disciples was to look up.  The hardest thing for me is to look up, look up above to Jesus who has control of everything in my life!  He has control of my storm, He has control in my storm!  I have chosen to look to Him, when the thoughts of an uncertain future come rushing in, threatening to capsize my boat, I look Him!   When I am overwhelmed by the hurts and pains of this life, I look UP!

Does this look like the face of death?

I choose to look up to the Giver of Life, and trust Him for our daughters life!
And for everything else in between : )

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Worst Week Ever

Yet I WILL trust Him!

     On Wednesday Karagen had her first round of radiation.  She came out from that shivering uncontrollably, yet trying not to complain.  The shivering lasted over a half hour.  After that came the migraine like headache, then the throwing up, again and again.  I drove the 2 hour drive home with a little girl in agony.
     Once home she went  straight to bed and slept fitfully between puking.  We gave her some anti-nausea meds, tylenol and finally just let her sleep fitfully with nothing to comfort her except a cool wash cloth on her forhead.
      The next day Jonathan and I decided to discontinue her radiation treatments and to switch her over to palliative care- now it feels a little like we are letting our precious daughter die.  Being told your child has only a 15% chance of survival with aggressive treatment that will ruin her life for the next few months was too much-we called it.
      Thursday was spent grappling with the results and feelings of that decision, trying to cope and be strong and keep trusting in God.  Our faith reaching out to our Loving Heavenly Father.
       Friday morning (our 10th anniversary) we found out more devestating news concerning a close family member.  Lives and relationships shattered and family thrown away like garbage.
       Then today, our dear friend came over asking if Jonathan was home, he was away dealing with the above crisis, so I was asked to help come open a neighbors door.  Rose has two apartments that she rents out.  In one of them is a dear lady who has just had surgery.  Her front door was unlocked and the neighbor (the other apartment resident) had been worried because she had not seen the first lady all day which is especcially strange as she has a dog she walks regularly.  I helped try to open her locked bedroom door, and finally slammed it open with my shoulder.  I found her dead.

So I ask, could this week get any worse?  Please don't answer that!


Wednesday, June 6, 2012

You Gotta See This!

Karagen walking, with no walker for the first time since everything happened!
Look at her go!