Here I am Again.....

Here I am again.

I'm at that place, that same place I keep coming to.

I feel so lost.

There is numbness.... it's cracking, it's breaking, it's giving way.

Here is pain which words cannot express.

I'm here tonight, down on my knees, on the floor.

I'm scrubbing the floor, washing it literally with my tears.

That pain won't go away because she won't....can't.... come back.

It hits me.....this is the bottom.....this is down.....this is what there is.

This is what is left....

the emptiness she leaves behind.

Jesus met me here, down on my knees.

Not in prayer, far away from prayer.

Not anywhere, just here.

He met me here, right here on the floor.

He washed my heart with my tears.

He met me here. 

He met me at the bottom.


  We received a cd from Steven Curtis Chapman while Karagen was sick.  I have never listened to it, it was still wrapped in plastic, just waiting.  After putting the kids to bed, I found that cd, and put it in.  The whole cd is basically a grief journey- Beauty Will Rise.  He made it after his daughter died suddenly in a tragic car accident.  I just read his wife's book Choosing to See which they also sent to me.  MaryBeth wrote the book after their daughter passed away.  I never had a chance to read it or listen to the cd but they have been a tremendous help to me.  Tonight as I was listening to this cd, song after song expressed my feelings and my thoughts.  It was....I can't find the exact words.  It was amazing, it was necessary, it was beneficial, it was a God Thing, it was for me.
   
     We are facing our first Easter without her.  It has been so hard.  No pretty dress or shoes to buy, even though they all called her name.  There is no Karagen to fill her place in our hearts.  This time last year (not date wise, but holiday wise) I was in the hospital with her, she had emergency surgery on Good Friday and we were reeling from the news she had aggressive, extensive brain cancer and she might not live.  On Easter morning she and I were in the hospital, she could hardly move, was doped up on morphine, and looked so tiny and pail.  We were there together, she was there.  I sat beside her hospital bed watching her while she slept.  I paced to the window, wondering what the future held, dreading what it promised.  I felt trapped, as so often I do now.  Trapped in the moment, in the uncertainty.

Every single time, at some point, in some way.....

He always came.

And.....

Because He LIVES.....

I can face tomorrow.

Because He LIVES.

Click here to listen to the song that touched me so deeply-Jesus Will Meet You There

Just a Drawer

         I was just trying to organize the "hair drawer" which is always a mess, especially so since GraceyAnna get's into it.  That's all I intended to do, organize a drawer.  As I pulled scrunchies out, and hair ties, and head bands, memory after memory came.

 

 I found the phone she loved to play games on and pretend with, the one Gina her friend from Community Bible Church in New York gave her..

 

 

 I found the head band she wore in the hospital when Aunt Kelly, Uncle Andrew and cousins Austin and Aubrey came to visit, all the way from Indiana.

 

I found the flowered head band that her and Gracey both wore, the one she wore after we shaved her hair.

 

 

Here were the rose hair ties she wished to wear when her hair grew back.

 

Here are the bracelets Karagen and Emmaus would fight over and I'd always admonish them to share.

Here is the curling iron I used to curl her bangs with.

 

Here is the hair tie she begged to wear the last time she went to church with hair. 

Here is the drawer we used to organize together.

 

Here is the mommy, with tears in her eyes and the familiar lump in her throat.  Accosted by memories that hurt to think about but I never want to forget. 

 

Missing her again.

 

I miss brushing her thick, dark hair.  Feeling her thick, ultra smooth tresses glide through my fingers.

 

I miss curling her bangs, braiding it, putting bows in it, inspecting it.

 

I miss seeing her smile when she liked "her do" it was all the thanks I ever needed.

 

I miss hearing the girls giggle at night and argue over bracelets.

 

I miss having that little girl at my side, going on little errands to put things away, keeping me straight, smiling at me.

 

Stupid drawer, I should have known why I procrastinated.

 

Treasured drawer, who knew you had so many precious memories hiding among the mess.

 

 

Birthday!

    I have lived thirty onederful (wonderful, get it?) 31 years.  My birthday was March 7.  Jonathan and I went on a mini honeymoon, haha.  It was so nice, we left home on Thursday March 7th and drove up to the Binghamton New York area for our church's district Ministerial Retreat.  We met some family and some friends (though both couples feel like family) at Olive Garden, which if we ever meet like that again we will go somewhere else as some of our party had a difficult time finding food that interested them :)  We had a tasty dinner then we went to a hotel for one night, just the two of us.  The next day we had breakfast with Jonathan's mom and Grandma, then we met with more friends (including my 86 year old friend, who is so special!) went to Barne's and Nobles and sipped coffee and split an apple cheesecake slice, then we were able to go to the theater and watched the new Oz movie (in recliners no less), then headed to our retreat.  We came home late Saturday.  All in all it was a wonderful time!

Here are a few birthday pictures:

                                           Jonathan and Emmaus made me a carrot cake.    

 

 

Jeremy and Lorikate 

 

Scott and Abby

 

Jonathan and I  (I was getting a little warm)

 

The Birthday Girl.  I am laughing in the picture below because Gracey was trying to get in the picture, you can just barely see her head.

 

I was so amazed and IMPRESSED by this beautiful quilt a special someone made and gave me for my birthday.  Jonathan said I'd better not say who so they won't get a bunch of requests :)