I woke up from a vivid dream @ 4am. A little precocious toddler, with a head full of light brown hair, smiling at me with that adorable twinkle in her eyes. Then the realization socked me in my stomach and burned in my heart- she's gone! Followed directly by thought: "God, you took her!"
I have spent so many nights for the last 3 weeks getting up many times a night to minister to Karagen. I have spent the last 6 1/2 months researching, reading, applying, praying and desperately seeking for a way to help Karagen beat her cancer. Jonathan and I spent hours trying to figure out ways we could help her body heal.
There's a whole in my heart that burns and aches. Her flavor, her sparkle, her light is forever extinguished. Every time I look at one of our other children I see her. When I look at Jonathan I see her. When I look at her chair, the room she was in, her clothes, her blanket keeping me warm this morning, I see her. When I look out at our back yard, I see her playing there. All those glimpses of her, everything leads me to thoughts and memories of her. All those millions of times I have gazed at her these last nine years and have been filled with love and joy. She was so much a part of all of us. There's a face missing at the table, a warmth missing from our home. Our family will always be one too small. Oh the joy when you add another child to a family, the despair when one is taken away.
Safe in the arms of Jesus, safe on His gentle breast
There by His love o’ershaded, sweetly her soul shall rest.
Jesus, my heart’s dear Refuge, Jesus has died for me;
Firm on the Rock of Ages, ever my trust shall be.
Here let me wait with patience, wait till the night is over;
Wait till I see the morning break on the golden shore.
Karagen, heaven is not just a little sweeter, it's brighter and more beautiful. I have no idea what it really looks like or feels like or smells like. But you gave me-us a little heaven on earth. Because I know you, and what you brought to us, heaven is not just a place anymore, it's a home. It's not just a destination, it's a hope, it's not just a goal, it's a reunion. I will forever miss you, I will see you everywhere, always. I love you all the number in the world plus one! I love you the mostest with the hostest!
I/we will find joy, we will find a way to cope, to function. We will find a way to create a new family dynamic, new traditions, new beginnings. God will be our ever present help, and has been! But for now, we survive.