I never thought we would be at this place....this twilight zone between death and healing. It''s strange, surreal. Realizing that at any moment Karagen could breathe her last breath and be taken from us forever. Seeing her decline, loss of leg function, loss of arm and hand function, loss of all movement from the neck down. It's a weird place to be, seeing with human eyes the IMPOSSIBILITIES yet seeing with the eyes of faith that there is NOTHING too hard or IMPOSSIBLE with God.
Here we are, on the fence so to speak...wondering which way things will fall. Realizing the grass is the same shade on either side of the fence. To have her here with us, to watch her grow up, to see her amazing and valiant spirit be a witness and inspiration as a living example of God's grace. Or to let her go...release her to her heavenly Father, who loves her so much more than we do. He would cherish her completely, comfort her and set her free. You see, it's green on both sides, one side is loss (ours) the other is gain (hers-God's). My side-the side of loss is shadowed and dimmer, but just as green. Does this make any sense?
I wish I knew the outcome, the final result.....and yet I don't. Here we are, back at the place we always get to, the not knowing. The strange, quiet place of what?
God is an omnipotent God- He already knows what will happen. I know He could choose to do either. He could choose to heal her, He could choose to take her. He is justified in doing either. Both options are good-in the eyes of the Soveriegn. My preference is clear, His is not. My faith believes that He is MORE than able to bring healing and restoration. My instincts and knowledge of Him (from brief glimpes of His earthly actions) tell me-no shout at me, that even in death He is not limited and He has the power to bring the dead back to life!
I never thought we would have a child with cancer. I never thought I would be watching my child potentially die. I never thought I could hurt this bad but not shed a tear. I never thought I could have such intense HOPE. I never thought faith and trust could feel so heavy. I never thought I could handle something like this. I never thought about God's suffering when He watched His Son die. I never thought how cruel life is to keep on moving and going while ours is stalled here. I never thought I could love and sacrifice and love and give and cherish and hope and hope and hope and hope. I never thought.....I never.....I.
So here we stand, vigilently watching and waiting. Here we must stay-for now. When will the end come-when will the beginning begin? We don't know-I don't know, but HE (God) does!
Karagen is on day 26 of her DMSO treatment. Today she has had some upper respitory mucous and is having difficulty breathing, she has oxygen on. Today has been much better for pain, she is sitting up in bed, pain free and resting. Her neck has lost its stiffness and we are able to move her more comfortably. She is struglling with constipation from the morphine and lack of movement. She has a hard time talking as it takes too much energy and has whispered most of the day. She sleeps a lot and doesn't say too much.