Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Grief Speaks 1

It's unpredictable as weather, only with more variations.

I can laugh, smile and cry at the same time.

I can hold a child while longing for another.

"You haven't combed your hair in how many days?"

Christmas music makes me cry.

Kindness makes me cry.

As a pastor and wife we are supposed to be reaching out....but we have so. little. energy.

I want to forget (or at least not think about it for awhile) yet I desperately want to remember! 

I am so blessed, but I still want her back.

"How long will I hurt?" Oh...... it's only been 6 weeks.

Who's counting?  I am!!!!!

He has wiped every tear from her eyes, taken her pain away FOREVER.....
but I still hurt, and cry.

This is MY pain.

"No it's OUR pain"-God

You didn't heal her!!!!  "Yes I did...and unlike the miracles, the healing's in the Bible, I healed her permanently!"

Grief is the gift that keeps on giving...pain.

There is no such thing as good grief! 

Life is sweet, so bitter sweet.  I have learned it's ok to be angry, angry at God..... at life.  You can be angry with God but still trust Him.  He is my Abba Father.... my Daddy God.  I express my feelings to Him and He doesn't turn away.  I see His arms open in compassion and His eyes fill with tears....for me....for my pain. 

Rest assured your heart is broken and will break again.

My heart has been breaking one piece at a time since Karagen's diagnoses April 4, 2012.  That day will forever live in infamy.

There is a Savior,
What joys expressed,
His eyes of mercy,
 His word is rest,
For each tomorrow, for yesterday,
There is a Savior who lights our way

     While grief has no known route, and the road of it twists and turns unpredictably, God is helping guide us through this journey.  I feel like this journey has no "map", only a faithful ever present guide, the Savior who promised "I will be with you!"  Grief is a dark place....yet it does not consume.  Its darkness is lit by trust and hope, in our God who will never leave or forsake.  "When I could not come.... to where He was, He came to me!"


  1. Oh, Crystal...Once again you've bared your heart, with words that bring us into your pain, to share it with you. One of our friends shared this quote: “Death to the Christian is the funeral of all his sorrows and evils and the resurrection of all his joys.” —James H Aughey
    I know you are feeling that for Karagen, but for you, it is still ahead. Thanks for sharing...the God given gift of putting those deep feelings into words, have blessed many to draw them closer to the Lord in sharing your sorrow.
    May you & your family have a blessed, Christ-filled Christmas, and thro' the tears, find Jesus even closer than any other Christmas.
    Loving hugs 'n prayers, The Hoskins

  2. You don't know me but this is something I've carried in my Bible for a some time. There is no title and I don't know who wrote it. My heart, too, has hurt.

    I said, "God, I hurt." And God said, "I know." I said, "God, I cry a lot." And God said, "That is why I gave you tears." I said, "God, I am so sad." And God said, "That is why I gave you Sunshine." I said, "God, life is so hard." And God said, "That is why I gave you loved ones." I said, God, my loved one died." And God said, "So did mine." I said, "God, it is such a loss." And God said, "I saw mine nailed to a cross." I said, God, but your loved one lives." And God said, "So does yours." I said, "God, where are they now?" And God said, "Mine is on My right and yours will be in the Light." I said, "God, it hurts." And God said, "I know."

    Prayers are with you and your family. Ruth

    1. That is beautiful, and so fitting, thank you for sharing it with me! Crystal

  3. Beautiful words, once again. Call anytime if you want to talk or cry or yell at someone. Love you.

  4. Beautiful words, once again. Call me anytime if you want to talk or cry or yell at someone. I love you.

  5. Oh Crystal, Your words are beautiful, a deep reflection of your precious, honest heart. Praying for you again today!

  6. This post and the above comment made me cry. There has been so much loss the last few years, and it feels like the pain never wants to go away. I can't quite understand, but I can only imagine. Praying for you always.

  7. This post and the above comment made me cry. I understand, only too well, being angry at God, but still loving Him and trusting Him at the same time. He knows your pain, and He carries it all. The only thing that gets me through anything anymore, is praying all day. I don't amen too often because my prayers never seem to end. He IS our Daddy God, I'm so glad you put that in there. I'm praying for you always.


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