Monday, November 5, 2012


Sifting through memories, through thoughts, through time. 
9 years.  Over. Gone. Done.
Have you ever tried to hold on to sand?  No matter how tight you squeeze, the tiny grains keep slipping out.
To hold time, close and intimate and as tight as I can, yet it keeps slipping away.
There is no more time.
There is no more hugs, kisses or carresses. No more looking at her sweet face, no more stroking her soft fuzzy head, no more holding her hand.  No more smiles and laughter, or reassurances...for her ....and for me.  No more conversations, no sound of her voice.
And yet I tighten my grip....but they keep slipping through.  Those tiny, ever so tiny grains of sand.
And they fall, unable to be re-taken or grasped again.  They fall in with the other thousands of grains of sand.  I can't distinguish them from the others anymore, they all blend together in a blurr.....
Then I realize it's my tears, it's my heart with the ache that will not stop.
They fall and they fall, never easing the ache.  While looking at the pile of sand I try to grasp the truth that I will never see her  The small mound that was her life.... it's there but it's gone. 
So I cry, not for her, but for me. 
 I cry because I don't have her, I can't see her, hear her, touch her, feel her. 
What do I miss the most?
The answer is simple.


  1. Words just aren't wanted and needed at this time. Please know we continue to think about you all and pray every day for you.

  2. Praying each and every day for you and your family may God rejoin you one sweet day.

  3. I can't imagine what it must be like to lose a light in the darkness. I have never had to go through that so I confess I can't understand your sorrow, but please know we are praying for you in our church and may God comfort you and help you through this very difficult time.

  4. My heart is hurting for you today. I have no words that can bring you any comfort or ease your pain, but just know that my family is praying for yours.

  5. Every time I read your posts, I cry. I hurt for you, my heart breaks for you. Thank you for being so transparent, so open and honest. Know we are grieving with you and praying for you. Hugs, Carla

  6. Crystal,
    I don't even know what to say. I just wish I could hug you in person, cry with you, just listen...thank you for the blessing of "listening" here.

    I'm praying for you, praying that our God would comfort you beyond all understanding.


  7. Praying for you again today, and thinking of you with Thanksgiving this week!

  8. Your posts are always so moving - so touching - so very real. Thank you for sharing your heart, Crystal!


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