Perspective

       Right now living .... I mean LIVING (not just going through the motions) takes perspective.  I think of the post I wrote the night before Karagen died, about the grass being green on both sides of the fence, but on my side (the side without her, the side of loss) the grass is beautiful and green, but shadowed.....dimmer.  My greiving words to Jonathan 2 weeks ago:  "My life was so perfect, 6 beautiful children....Karagen's life blessing mine, and now she's gone, life will never be perfect again."  When I said those words I meant them, but it's been 4 weeks since Karagen died and my grief isn't as raw, my perspective has changed. 

      I choose what my perspectives will be.  I am and forever will be a mother who lost her precious daughter to cancer.  Rather than dwelling on that brutal truth, I choose to look at ALL the other blessings in my life.  For me good, rock solid, perspective builds a wall of strength with grattitude.  My thanks before were heart felt, sincere and honest....but like feathers in weight.  My thanks now, laden with gratefulness I can FEEL are like stones, I have to heave and concentrate to give them, to build a wall of thanks.....but this wall is strong, oh so strong.  It's foundation is sheer determination and faith to trust the God who gives....and takes away.  The God who is GOOD all the time.

    I can't help but feel that all my lists of thanks before Karagen's illness and eventual death were different.  I meant them, but I still took things for granted.  We all do, we can't help it.  Most of us are welcomed each day with unumerable comforts and things in life that make our lives easier.  From washers and dryers, vehicles, warm beds with pillows, to grocery stores not far away and abundance of food.  Most of us in America have everything we need, a roof over our heads, shoes on our feet and food in our bellies.   Our families are safe, our children are fairly healthy, we ourselves can get up every day and do our thing all over again. We all take these things for granted..... every day. I enjoy my life and appreciate so much everything I have, but I see it differently now, I feel it differently now.  My grattitude was spoken before, today it is felt.

   I give thanks today, for renewed perspective. 

 I am building a wall of faith and trust with grattitude. 

The thanks I give this Thanksgiving is different. 

 

 

 

This year it's more than Thanksgiving.....it's Thanksmeaning. 

 

 I give thanks, and I mean every word!

 

 

Sifting....

 

Sifting through memories, through thoughts, through time. 

 

9 years.  Over. Gone. Done.

 

Have you ever tried to hold on to sand?  No matter how tight you squeeze, the tiny grains keep slipping out.

 

To hold time, close and intimate and as tight as I can, yet it keeps slipping away.

 

There is no more time.

 

There is no more hugs, kisses or carresses. No more looking at her sweet face, no more stroking her soft fuzzy head, no more holding her hand.  No more smiles and laughter, or reassurances...for her ....and for me.  No more conversations, no sound of her voice.

 

Silence.

 

And yet I tighten my grip....but they keep slipping through.  Those tiny, ever so tiny grains of sand.

And they fall, unable to be re-taken or grasped again.  They fall in with the other thousands of grains of sand.  I can't distinguish them from the others anymore, they all blend together in a blurr.....

 

Then I realize it's my tears, it's my heart with the ache that will not stop.

 

They fall and they fall, never easing the ache.  While looking at the pile of sand I try to grasp the truth that I will never see her again....here.  The small mound that was her life.... it's there but it's gone. 

 

So I cry, not for her, but for me. 

 

 I cry because I don't have her, I can't see her, hear her, touch her, feel her. 

 

What do I miss the most?

 

The answer is simple.

 

Everything.