11 Years!

We've been married 11 years, where does the time go?  Saturday, June 22, 2013

We had a wonderful date, we went to Texas Road House where we enjoyed rolls, salad, steak (Jonathan) chicken tenders (me) baked sweet potatoes, coffee and water.  We then went to Slaughter Beach in Delaware, where we walked and walked.

 

 The beautiful moon!

 

 

Horse Shoe crabs were everywhere.  May and June is their spawning season.  Jonathan kept rescuing the stranded ones by flipping them back over after the waves flipped them on their backs.  Their eyes are on the top of their heads-the small brown round things.

 

 



So....I Fight

It comes in and invades my life- so I fight.


Threatening to steal more than my daughters life -so I fight.


Creeping in to bring distance and disconnection into our entire family structure- so I fight.


I could lose it all- so I fight.


In the silence- I fight.


In all the uncertainty, the questioning- I fight.


In the darkness, amidst the roaring in my head- I fight.


I fight- to be  strong, to have courage, to make it work, this new way of life with cancer on board.  To be for my husband, to be for my daughter, to be for my children, to be for all those who need me to be- I fight. I fight to stay sweet, to remain positive, to not snap at the children, to be the mother, the wife, the Christian...... God wants me to be.  I fight to be.  I fight.

24 Weeks!

I was so excited to be getting my ultra-sound today. We have an hour drive to my doctor (we have to go across the bay bridge) it is a long drive but it was sooooo worth it, especially when I got my first 4-D ultra-sound! I ADORE these pictures!

24 weeks- 10 lb weight gain! Yay!
So cute!

The baby loved it's face, kept it's hand there for most of the pictures.

Peek-a-boo!

Tiny little hand makes me want to hold it : )

We thought about keeping it a secret-but guess who can't keep a secret?

Birthday Blessings

Monday March 7, 2011

Jonathan made me a delcious carrot cake from scratch, with homemade cream cheese frosting!

He also made me lasagna from scratch, his first time making it and it was delicious!
Look at all those candles : ) I turned 29, and according to Karagen I am "OLD!"

So VERY BLESSED!

I look a little tired here, it was the end of the day and I had worked 8 hours at the post office...and with being pregnant, I was worn out, but happy indeed!

What's On My Mind

Funny when I find out I'm expecting, I think about the new little one a lot. I felt the baby move this week, I know it is tiny, but I felt my first move at 12 weeks gestation as well, that was Karagen and now I am hoping we are having a girl. It is funny wanting a girl : )

I was thinking about how I found out about this pregnancy, it is already a cherished memory. I had been having extreme fatigue, had missed my period but the cheap pregnancy tests did not show a positive result. Was I crazy? No the tests were just cheap.

How did I find out then? Jonathan and I went out on a date Friday January 7. We wanted to see The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. While we were waiting for our movie to start (we had about an hour) we left the mall and went to a Family Dollar and bought a $4 test there. We returned to the mall and I used my empty fast food cup and took the test in the public restroom. The test was positive right away and my heart skipped a beat. I grinned so big, and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't stop. I went to wash my hands and smiled at a lady washing hers, she was probably wondering what was wrong with me.

I slipped out of the bathroom and showed Jonathan the test I had tucked into my purse and he said "I figured". Then we were both smiling and as we sat down in the theatre to watch our movie he whispered in my ear "I love you Mommy." I looked at that test a dozen times while we watched the movie : )

I have felt pretty good so far, VERY tired and some days all I did was sleep on the couch. I have been a little nauseous but not overly so and the only time I have really thrown up was with my headache and the flu. I have also been very thankful that I have continued to be able to cook most of our meals, although I did break down and we bought some fish sticks (yucky on my pregnant nose). God has been good, and I feel very blessed.

Confronting me in a greater sense this time though was the fear of what people would think. We have gotten the comments, the looks and all that comes with having a large family. Jonathan was very hesitant to tell his family, he was not wanting to hear what they had to say. So both of us chickened out and had Karagen tell them, and well, that helped a lot. Her joy and innocent enthusiasm saved the day. It does hurt a little when family are the ones who are the least happy for you, and who never say Congratulations-just being honest here.

But deep down, where no one see's but me and the Lord, is a daily growing love for our new little one. A deeper sense of trust and reliance on God to provide for all our needs and a sense of peaceful joy for the precious gift of LIFE.

3 months

New Years Resolution

It's a little late for that right? Well, just so you know I made it on time, just haven't blogged about it. My New Years Resolution for this year is to have my quiet time with the Lord Every day. If you are a mom you know how hard this can be, and if you're not you know how hard this can be : ) There was a time in my life when I felt guilty (a good guilt, yes there is such a thing!) if I did anything before I had my prayer time and Bible reading, but slowly (like years slowly) it became more hit and miss, until the end of last year, weeks would go by without me picking up the Word. I am very ashamed of this, but not guilty of this any more. So this year I made 1 resolution, I could have had a list 20 feet long of all that I wanted to change, but God clearly showed me this 1 thing and I felt sure that if this one thing was "fixed" my long list would be fixed too!

The very first day of the New Year, after staying up until 12am to bring in the New Year with my brother and sister and my family, I was exhausted. I rolled over in bed, peeked at the clock, tuned my ears to the fact that everyone was still sleeping (including ALL 5 of our kids) and ALMOST decided to get a few extra winks. Just as quickly I felt the Lord speak to my heart, "You can do without a little extra sleep, but you cannot do without your time with me."
So I got up and had a very precious time with the Lord. I brewed some coffee, got my journal and Bible all ready, sat down on the couch in a perfectly quiet house and had a precious time with the Lord. He met with me so sweetly and gave me a verse which I am memorizing for the year. My heart is steadfast o Lord, I will sing and give praise. Psalm 108:1a What a verse for me, I needed a steadfast heart, and I could only get that from Jesus!

I am continuing on this journey with great although not perfect success. There have been mornings where I have missed the early rising, but still taken the time any way. There have been days I have had interruptions (there will be those days) but I have still taken the time out anyway. A very intersting thing happened, by taking my personal prayer time (even though it made me behind on so many things) I somehow was ahead and had a better day!

In conclusion I am desperately needing to excersise, and this is an "unofficial" resolution. I have placed a mile counter on the bottom of my blog for accountability. Please feel free to encourage me : ) I want so much to "do better" in a lot of areas, and I am trusting God with a steadfast heart!

What They Don't Know Won't Hurt Them!

In Fact it might even be good for them : )

Jonathan is away hunting, he left this morning at 4:30, and like a good wife I stayed in bed out of his way haha. He got his own breakfast and his lunch and everything he needed ready all by himself like a big boy. I know, I am not real supportive, especially if it means getting up at 4am ughhh. So, I am home alone with 5 children and we decided to fix a nice breakfast. We had carrot pancakes, which they quickly ate, then we made Green Eggs and ham. I blended the eggs, some carrots and spinach together in the blender and walla, we had green eggs. I was wondering how I was going to convince them to eat my concoction when Karagen excitedly said " Oh Mommy, your making green eggs! You have to add some ham too!" Thankfully Jonathan had brought some lunch meat ham that worked nicely, the children helped me break it up and put on the griddle. THEY GOBBLED IT UP. LOL.

So it just proves that sometimes what you don't know won't hurt you....and this is true in so many other ways as well. The older I get the more I realize there are some things in life I would rather NOT know, and this is funny because I used to be pretty nosey.

Have a great day everyone!

Ordinary Day

Today has been a pretty good day. Jachin got me up around 4 times during the night, and Jonathan as well since I sleepily elbowed him to "get the baby." It is unusual for him to wake up that much through the night and I figure he is growing, so my day started with a too much interrupted sleep headache. Have you ever had one of those?

The day can be catagorized as good because of several things. #1 Jonathan helped me clean the house this morning. I know many people have their house cleaning down pact, but I sometimes feel like I fight a losing battle against laundry and dirt and dishes. So when Jonathan helps me get a handle on it, it is so wonderful! # 2 We went on a date. It was not highly romantic (can Wal-Mart and Bob Evans be classified as romantic ? : ) Of course when you are with the one you love haha. We had a very nice date, we stopped at a little second hand store and then went and ate, then off to our biggest spending place-Wal-Mart.

Who watched the kids? Well God has really blessed us with a christain neighbor. Her name is Rose and she has become a very dear and trusted friend. She is always checking on us and bringing us things and listening to us when we have something we need to talk about. She is so unique and so precious. We love her to pieces even though we have only known her for a short while. After Emmaus went on the bus at 12pm we went on our date so she only had to watch Silas and Jachin. And when we got home at around 4pm. Jachin was in his booster seat smiling and cooing and she was grinning too. A welcome sight for me!

I am hiding right now. I came into the study and closed and locked the door so I could blog. I have a little buddy on the floor, he is amusing himself by pulling apart old tapes. Anything to keep this Grumblebug happy.

Thank you to those of you who have followed at my new blog, I so appreciate your comments and want you to know that I really enjoy reading your blogs as well. I will make a point to come and see what you have been up to lately.

Relax, It's Sunday

Ugghh is there anyone out there who tries to keep the sabbath like we do?

I TRY to take a day off from work and end up with a HUGE pile of dishes, and any way is it really possible for a pastors wife to RELAX on Sunday?

One thing that has really helped me is to tell myself to relax, to focus and worship rather than worry and fret over all that needs to be done. The Lord is helping me on this one! I have to really work to pay attention to the message, participate with my heart in the worship service and not be distracted by umpteen million things during prayer. You see, this pastors wife is still a work in progress : )

I said I do

Adventures of a Pastor's Wife #1

I said I do to my preacher husband. A bit naively I might add. I had NO idea what adventures and interesting things I would experience being the wife of a pastor! I have been married to a preacher (in the making) for 8 years (we were married while my husband was still in college for ministry) and we have been in active ministry for 5 years with an unplanned but God sent 2 1/2 year sabbatical. We have just returned to ministering this past August and it feels overwhelming good to be back in the ministry. I had no idea what I was getting myself into! And honestly in the very early years I learned some hard lessons and had my share of embarrassing interesting moments. (Still do: ) I wish to share with you the joys and heart aches I experience as a pastor's wife. I hope you will find it interesting!
Here are a few things that have happened in the last month here at Henderson Maryland. These things are true and told from an honest and humble heart. I have changed some of the names for the sake of privacy.
1. I washed a young man's feet.
I heard the children talking outside the front door. They know they are not to go around to the front of the house so I went to remind them to go play in the back yard. There he was, over 6 feet tall holding a can of Mountain Dew in his hand. He had ratty jeans on and a dirty white t-shirt. The children were all gathered around him and when she saw me, Karagen came running up to me and said "Mommy, his feet are bleeding!" I looked and sure enough they were. He had walked from his house to mine, up and down the road some and who knows where else in his pitifully clad feet! He had socks on, but they were tattered and torn and dirty and bloody. He was shaking, his whole body! I found out through a neighbor kid that his grandmother had told him not to go outside and that he did not want to listen to her, so she took his shoes and he went out anyway, without them! I had him sit down on the porch and he sat there whimpering. By now I realized he wasn't all there, was precious in God's sight. Meanwhile we were trying to figure out what was going on and finally did. I went and got our first aid kit, a kind neighbor lady brought rubber gloves and my husband brought a bowl of water. His feet were filthy, blistered and bloody. My heart was crying inside for him. While I was washing his feet, his grandmother came over in her vehicle, got out and yelled at him. We saw what was coming and sent the children into the house as quickly as we could. Here is what she said: "You see George, you are just trying to get attention! Are you happy now that you have everyone babying you? Look at all the trouble you have caused!" I tried to calm her down, but she kept on. Finally when she had said her peace, I told her we understood and that we would finish his feet and then my husband would drive him home. She left in a huff and a cloud of gravel dust. I finished his feet, washing them and cleansing them while he shivered and whimpered in pain. After his feet were cleaned he limped over to the van my husband had pulled around for him and Jonathan took him home.
2. I shared the gospel with a hungry soul.
Shelly is a sweet and open soul. She loves to talk and is honest and outgoing. Right away she and I "clicked". I love when that happens as it is so much easier to talk to someone when it does! We were having trouble getting our children enrolled in school due to lack of proof of residency. She is a substitute teacher at the elementary school and offered to take me in and help me get them enrolled. She drove me in and then made some phone calls and took me around to several different places to complete the paper work. After several hours she brought me home and when we were in front of the parsonage I asked her quite bluntly if she was born again. She was very honest and told me no, then asked me what it meant. We talked for several minutes and then I went into the house. I did pray for her and hoped that she would soon make her decision for Christ. That night (unknown to me, but not to God!) she went home and she and her 9 year old daughter asked Jesus into their hearts! I take NO credit for this; the one who gets all the credit is Jesus! And then sweet Ellen, an older lady who is Shelly's neighbor and also attends our church) and asked her for 8 months to come to church and then, that very day I talked to her in the car, Ellen gave Shelly a Bible with the sinners prayer in it! That was the prayer that Shelly and her daughter prayed. I will never forget Shelly asking me "You mean I don't have to get saved in church?"
3. Connecting with people on a new level.
I have never experienced letting my light shine in quite the way I have here. I seem to have endless ways to let it shine, without ever saying a word sometimes! Today while Jonathan and I were in Wal-Mart (on a long overdue date) we met a manager in the outdoors and hunting section. And she lives just a few miles from us here in Henderson, drives past our house on her way to and from work, and knew right where we lived. She has had a hard past and she opened up to me! Wow!
We have a lot of Spanish people around here. So much so that the elementary school has several interpreters and our little church even rents out its building to a Spanish group that meets here 3 times a week. We have a little neighbor boy Eswardo (spelling?) and he is here all the time quite often! We have been able to minister to that little boy a lot! I have sent over homemade muffins for him and his family and he loves to play with our kids.

I love the adventure of being a pastor's wife; it adds so much zest to my life. It also keeps me up on my toes and down on my knees, and always… always with a prayer in my heart!

If you could only hear what Im thinking

I am glad you can't!

I am so glad people cannot read my mind! Although sometimes I wish they could, just ask my husband. *wry grin* Here are some things I have thought:

We went to the beach last Friday, there were people laying out in the boiling HOT sun.

My thoughts:

You can go home and lay on your couch or your lawn, when you're at the beach, shouln't you be in the water? (it would be cheaper, as you have to pay to get in here)

And besides...don't you know the suns rays are extremely harmful and cancer causing??

Today while in the mall we passed a Victoria Secret, and then here online reading an interesting article on Kangaroo Care for preemie babies.

My thoughts:

Can someone please tell these women to go home and put some clothes on?!

And, why when I am reading about babies...so innocent, do I have to be subjected to half naked ....I mean 95% naked women (in advertisements)?

Women, you sell yourselves too cheaply!

Tonight after a long day:

My thoughts:

Do I really have to make dinner? Again? What is the easiest meal to make? Ok, fish sticks sound good, and let's see, how about (homemade) mac n'cheese and I'll throw in some canned fruit salad to make it healthy.

Today when a neighbor was talking to my hubby and kids.

My thoughts:

Crystal, go over there and talk to her!! She will not bite you!

Today while nursing Jachin in a fitting room in JC Penny's

My thoughts:

This is so easy, no bottles, no hassles, just pull up the shirt and lunch is served! : ) Hmmm this just seems wrong it's so easy!

Tonight

My thoughts:

Is it bed time yet?

Right now:

My thoughts:

I wish this mouse would work better....is anybody reading this? I have to go switch the laundry, put away the food, wash dishes....thank God the children are winding down to a movie! I am so glad Jachin is sleeping!

Every day:

Oh, they are so cute, where's my camera?

There you have it, a window into my mind...hopefully you are not too enlightened! Have a wonderful night everyone! Or day, or afternoon or whatever. Smile, it makes you sweet face look better : ) I am, oh wait, no I'm not.

Laugh Out Loud!

Never Enough

Have you ever wondered why you can have a great relationship with someone, have a wonderful time with them, talk to them, share your heart with them, feel so full and so free. Then a few hours or days later, it's no longer enough?

I love my husband we have an awesome relationship but he doesn't fill me.

I have 5 beautiful children but they don't fill up that void.

I have friends, relatives and a church family, but they are not enough.

I have myself, my mind and the thoughts of my heart, but that is not enough.

I always need MORE!

When will I ever get "enough"?

To the woman he said,
"I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you. Genesis 3:16

"The curse for Eve and all her daughters cannot be limited only to babies and marriage, for if it were true then every single woman without children get's to escape the curse. Not so. The meaning is deeper and the implications are for every daughter of Eve. Woman is cursed with loneliness (relational heartache), with the urge to control (especially her man) and with the dominance of men (which is not how things were meant to be, and we are not saying it is a good thing- it is the fruit of the fall and a sad fact of history). Isn't it true, aren't your deepest worries and heartaches relational, aren't they connected to someone? Even when things are good, is your vast capacity for intimacy ever filled in a lasting way?"
John and Stasi Eldredge in Captivating

I know there are other women who have felt this same way, I have talked to them and we have shared this openly. But never have I really understood the reason. I have always sort of wondered....why?

I have experienced this today. A long day home with the children, my husband gone to work on a project. My deep need for relational communication was sooooo apparent and haunting to me. Understanding why I sometimes feel so needy and so alone really has helped me understand myself. God made me the way I am, a relational creature, the curse makes loneliness something I will never escape. Now that I know that, understand the why, I actually feel much better, accepting myself without judgement and with a stronger reliance on the God who created me.

7 Goals Today

Due to our family being sick the past several days, I don't feel like doing much! And I think everyone knows that when your body isn't well, your spirits sag.

I have 7 goals today...important ones for me.

1. Hold Silas to help me (I mean him) feel better. : )

Have you ever noticed how holding and comforting a child makes you feel warm inside? It ALWAYS does for me! (this is listed first because it was one of the first things I did this morning)

2. Read my Bible and pray, I feel very needy right now Lord!

I hope no one thinks I'm a super saint (not that it wouldn't be nice)

3. Do a little bit (of everything, laundry, dishes, housework, lovin on the kids) I am pacing myself today.

4. Talk to my husband Connecting with him gives me a boost for the whole day.

5. Take a nap A good nap does the mommy good.

6. Focus On the blessings in my life and who is really in control.

7. Give it to God Even if it has to be a second by second thing, I am going to give all my worries and fears to God.

Treasures of the Heart

Being a mom can be DRAINING.

Being a wife can be DEMANDING.

Being a christian can be TIME CONSUMING.

Being a female can be ANNOYING.

Ok, that sounds negative right? Well, these are things I have thought a time or two. Good or bad it's true. I realize these negative thoughts can rule my actions a determine how I live my day, how I go about my daily routines. How I execute the daily grind really shows what kind of person I am.

I have struggled for awhile to fit in my personal time with the Lord. I KNOW this is not something to neglect, but it is so easyt to! There was a time when I could not feel "free" to do anything else until I had had my morning devotions. That has long slipped away and I find myself too easily engaging in laundry, or dishes, or whatever before devotions.

As I have begun my blog, the leaness of my soul stood out starkly to me, especially while reading other blogs with deep spiritual content. I have a faithful husband, he reminds me, he asks me : Did you read your Bible today? If I find that question annoying you can clearly guess what the answer to it is. NO. The Lord has so clearly brought to my mind the verse For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. Matthew 12:34. Why would I get angry at him for asking me about my spiritual welfare? Because there was nothing going INTO my heart from God's Word. I have not been taking time to SLOW down and take in. Not just God's word, but Godly, christian books.

So I asked myself, "what have you been taking in?" Nodda. Nothing. I had been waking up, starting my day, murmuring a few prayers here and there and sparadically reading my Bible. Any other reading was zilch.

I have begun placing treasures in my heart. What I put in to my mind affects what I think and feel as a woman and a christian. If I watch the news, it's negative! If I spend a lot of time online and do nothing else, it is empty. Pretty soon my lack of Godly input makes itself known by a leaness of soul! I can feel it and sense it in every area of my life. That's when the first statements become so real to me.

Being a mom can be DRAINING.

Being a wife can be DEMANDING.

Being a christian can be TIME CONSUMING.

Being a female can be ANNOYING.

It is then I realize things HAVE to change! Let's try this:

Being a mom is the most rewarding job ever!

Being a wife is an honor and a blessing!

Being a christain is VITAL and Crucial!

Being a female is what God created me to be! (even the annoying parts)

I am laying up treasures in my heart. I am Guarding my heart, watching cloesly the things I allow to come in, and being careful what is allowed to come out. I know from experience though that when I take in what is right, the "out put" is much different!

June 22

On June 22, 2002 we pledged our vows. Eight years later, I would do it all over again, every bit of it!

Because of you

I say "I do"

Not just today, but for always!

Your love has made

My heart it's home

And now I'll never be alone.

Because of you!

Lyrics from Because of You, a song I wrote and sang to Jonathan on our wedding day!

Father's Day

When you forgive...you heal. When you let go...you grow. When you cry out to God...you surrender. When you love unconditionally...you show others Christ's love.

A friend posted this on Face Book and it is just what I needed!

I had a very painful childhood. Don't get me wrong, I do have some good memories, I just wish I had more. And on Father's Day, I often hurt the worst. I am being painfully honest here. My father was ripped out of my life at the tender ages of 13, long before we ever left him, he was gone. Bitter fights, abuse and ABSENCE are all too vivid memories.

Please keep in mind, I have fully forgiven my father, and we have a fairly good relationship now.

But maybe this is why I was dreaming of needing a hug from my husband last night. Maybe this is why I was so touched when he wrapped his arms around me today and hugged me tight. Maybe this is why I am still pinching myself that I found a husband who is so good to me and loves me and our children beyond words.

Tears are coming to my eyes as I post this.

This Father's Day I am working HARD to remember the GOOD times. Focus on my Blessings and remember the quote above.

And if you see me in the card aisle, having a hard time picking a card for my Dad....this is why.

So to the men in my life... my husband.... my dad:

Happy Father's Day - from my heart!

I Knew I was a Mom When...

I knew I was a mom, when I would take ANY help I could get!

I knew I was a Mom when my child was WAY cuter than anybody's pet!

I knew I was a Mom when I considered this funny, not dangerous!

I knew I was a Mom when these moments were what I lived for!

I knew I was a Mom when my heart was as full as my hands were.

Our Forever

I know today is Tuesday, but this was supposed to be put up yesterday and I was too busy. My memory for this week is of Jonathan and I meeting and the beginning of our journey together. This is a special treat for everyone.
We met in college, Penn View Bible Institute in September 2000. The first time I saw him he was talking and laughing with some new friends. That image has been forever engraved on my memory. And he has never ceased loving people, he is a true people person. He said the first thing he remembers about me was my smile. According to him, I smiled shyly at him...which of course is true. When I first went to college I was painfully shy and scared of almost everybody.
I didn't know it then, but soon learned that this was the beginning of our forever. The Christmas of 2000 I knew that he was the "one". Now almost 10 years after we first met, I still know.One more interesting fact, Jonathan knew right away he liked me. In fact, the very weekend we arrived at Penn View his parents were taking him out to dinner for his birthday. I remember wondering why this older man with a white beard was looking at me. It was Jonathan's dad, he had already told his family I was the girl he liked.

7 Things I Don't Have

Why 7? I like the number.

1. A horrible mother-in-law.

2. A million Dollars.

3. An unfaithful husband.

4. 20 kids (not yet anyway)

5. The perfect face or body.

6. A load of worries and care.

7. A perfect past.

Thinking Outside The Box

I have to do this every day. I adjust my expectations of what I want and think should happen.

Like this morning, I was going to hit the stores with my 3 youngest kiddos, then Jachin threw up, I could hear him while I drove, then Emmaus noticed it and announced it in her panicky voice. Change of plans, we are going home instead.
Thinking outside the box = Adjusting my expectations.

Then there was last night. I had been at home all day with the children by myself. I was tired. After everyone was in bed, I went to the gym, even though it was already 10pm.
Thinking outside the box = A healthy body

Like today, I had plans to go shopping for sandals for the children, but it was raining, heavy. We went anyway and got all wet doing it. I had the van.
Thinking outside the box= Getting the job done, even though it's tough.

Like right now. I am going to make what I call my "junk muffins". They have spinach and bannana puree in them. Unbelieveably they are delicious.
Thinking outside the box= No wasted food

I do this a least a thousand times a day, that's what makes my life work.