Quick Update

   Wow, I'm finally able to begin blogging again.  The emphasis is going to switch to an honest look at my life, thoughts etc.  I still have a heart and burden for ministry and stuff.  Right now not much of that is happening-at least officially.  There have been so many changes in the last year that hopefully I'll be able to share.

     Today, I was finally able to get my blog looking half decent.  It was much easier since I know what colors I enjoy and like.  Thanks Dressing Your Truth!

  My day today looked like this- my alarm went off at 6:15.  I hit the snooze and squeezed in a few extra minutes of sleep.  Then it went off again and I reluctantly got up.  Emmaus was sleeping with me and when my alarm went off for the second time, she went to her room to get more sleep and I made my bed.  Win!

   I came down to the big recreation room and picked it up.  There is ALWAYS something on all my floors somewhere.  I often think a perfect day would include floors free of clutter.  I wonder if I'd miss the toys, random socks, towels, trash, and what was that?!  I can't identify it...

  My two nieces and nephew arrive and I'm talking sweet and greeting them.  That William (2) really is a heart melter, don't tell him, but even when he's at his naughtiest, he's still a cute little stinker.  Elizabeth is quiet and busy and has an extremely inquisitive mind, and is always asking questions.  Sharon is a little buttercup, soft, tiny and petite.  She's very easy to please and loves to cuddle.  They play in the large play area and I go upstairs and begin food prep and coffee in the kitchen.

  Eventually my 3 oldest children wake up and come downstairs.  Here comes the questions, "Are you dressed?  Are your shoes on?  Emmaus, did you comb your hair?  Vaughn, your shoes are on the wrong feet.  Silas, get dressed now!  You have 5 minutes!"  (Said in my best stern voice accompanied by "the look")  Silas comes down in clean pants, but no shirt.  While I'm cooking the eggs.  I finish them up, then run downstairs to the basement (because I've washed and dried laundry, but it's all down there unfolded, calling me...) I find him a shirt, yeah it might be his brothers-but yes, it'll work.  I come back up and toss it to him, then finish dishing up the plates- let's see how many kids today?  Oh yeah, 8.  This morning we're having scrambled eggs and homemade banana cake.  (Which reminds me, I still have tons of bananas to use up.)  Everyone is seated peacefully at the table, but pretty soon, there's a wee one asking for a drink.  Oh yes, drinks!  Then there's another asking for a drink, and another..."Go sit down and quit nagging!"  So, onto the drinks.  Hmm, I have a little orange juice, a little apple juice-and water!  There we go, how many cups?  Oh yes, 8.  Where is William's sippy?

  Finally, breakfast is over (not cleaned up) and its time to get the littles up to the bus stop.  On the way I'm double checking Vaughn's shoes, Emmaus walks beside me hanging on me making it hard to walk up the hill.  I disengage from her hanging and take her hand, checking her head to see if she combed her hair.  Hey!  It's neatly brushed-WITH a headband!  Win!  Silas is running on ahead, Vaughn is trailing behind.  We manage to be a few minutes early, another WIN!  Wow, when you're me, your winning is small things.

This was just the morning.....lol.

Here's a few pictures from today-  I'm spray painting these sandals silver.

                                     

    See the mess?  The towel is down to dry up the bubbles that were spilled, a half filled large bottle of bubbles.  Thank you William...

 

Me-I get dressed with makeup most days.  It helps me to feel human....

 

 

I've been working on painting these jewelry pendants I bought for cheap off of eBay several months ago.  I'm just using nail polish.

All I Ever Needed

We went to our districts Ministerial Retreat and had a wonderful time.  On Friday night we finally got to bed at 1:30am (technically Saturday 3/15/14)  I was to give a devotional to the district pastors wives on Saturday and was thinking and praying about it as I drifted off to sleep.

    Reaching the early hours of morning my phone alarm went off and I awoke quoting Psalm 139:17

How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! and Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  I was coaxed out of a beautiful dream that left me sitting on the side of the bed with my head swirling.  Trying to grasp the full import of what had just been seen in my sleeping mind.  I have never woke from a dream quoting scripture, and these verses struck my subconscious mind then went straight to my heart.

    In this dream I was following a line of small red berries each about the size of a marble.  I didn't notice anything else except those berries.  I was gathering them up as fast as I could, all the while following the trail of them.  I stuffed them into my pockets, pulled out my shirt like a bowl and filled it full, anywhere I could put a berry I did, until my hands and arms was full of these berries. 

    All of the sudden I came to the very last one, there were no more.  And like any good gardener who comes to the end of the line, I stood up to survey where I had been, and see what was ahead.  Looking back was nothing but darkness, pitch black darkness.  I turned to face forward and there right in front of me was a HUGE clear container FULL of these little red berries.  It was 4 times taller and me, and so wide.  It contained thousands, no millions of them!  My arms went slack.  The many berries I had desperately gathered in my arms fell to the floor in deafening silence.  Right before my eyes was all the berries I could ever need, enough for me, my family and more!

    Then it hit me as I sat on the side of the bed, groggily recalling my dream.  This was for me....God had sent this dream for me.  I have tried, and fought, and cried, and prayed and sought to believe that God had a future for me.  I had longed to believe that I would feel hope again and regain interest and that spark of life I had been craving since Karagen died.  The message in the dream was a promise that He had a future and a hope, for me!    That the thoughts He thought of me were precious, how great is the sum of them!  I could spend my whole life trying to accept my circumstances and trying to gather as much strength (the berries) or peace (the berries) or hope (the berries) or whatever.  All I ever needed could be found in Him!  Without measure, without end!

  This dream has changed me.  Somehow it has spoken peace to my very troubled heart.  I have struggled with depression, nothing kept my interest, it seemed like my very life was sapped out of me.  My spark was gone, and I struggled with constant sadness, and numbness and nothingness.  Since this dream I know that God has awakened my heart, He has breathed life into me!  He has blessed me with His presence and Wow, it feels sooo good..  This is healing.  This is Life.  This is Hope.

Peace

If you could see inside my heart and pictures could be words....
You'd see peace.

At long last.....
peace.

There has been a battle raging inside of me for so long,
without relief.....

The ripping and tearing,  if you could feel it and see it,
You'd see me in thousands of pieces
Scattered.

I felt like Humpty Dumpty,
with no hope of ever being put back together again.

These words were claimed,
"My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?"

Drowning.

Numb.

Angry.

Hot, stinging tears.
They burned my eyes and seared  my heart.

A heart that was crushed 1000 times over.

Silence.

Silence.....

Silence.....


Peace.

And you are complete in Him.

Colossians 2:10a

1 Year....and a Day

How can one year be gone already?

I ask that.

Time marches on.

Like a million leaves falling...

My memories mimic the season.

My feelings too.

Sadness, constant sadness.

Confusion.

Depression.

Anger.

Loss.

Tears...oh so many tears.

Emptiness.

Struggle.

Weakness.

I cannot bear to visit her grave.  She should not be there, she should be with me...with us.

I accidently write her name.

I accidently call her in from play....still.

I dream of her and awake with tears and crying sighs.

I feel the emptiness she left behind.  Oh how I feel it.

I receive gifts in her honor, I feel mocked and wish for her.  I don't want things, I want her.

I have little shrines to help us remember what I can never forget.

She's gone and so is a part of me.



I feel bad this seems so dark, so bleak.  But this grief is so great, so heavy.  I miss her so much, there aren't enough words to describe how much.

I'm Out of the Box

And maybe a little crazy.....

Here's proof-

 

I like to think of myself as a food explorer- and since I ditched the box (boxed food)  I make

strange strangely delicious food.  Here's my latest adventure of "out of the box" cooking.

 

What you need-

2 avocados

1-2 c. yogurt

1/4 to 1/3 cup honey

Blend together in a blender until creamy

 1 large bowl of fruit.

  1tsp. fruit fresh to prevent browning of your fruit.

Add to your favorite mix of fruit and stir until well blended.

(mine is whatever I have on hand to throw in there)

 

This closely imitates the boxed pudding idea, except it's way healthier.

 

So...Yum!

 

Lily Lake Camp Trip 2013

 On our way- taking a break at a rest stop.  Emmaus and Lucy.

Vaughn walking Teddy, not sure which one looks happier.

 

 Jachin actually smiled for Mommy
 

 Great Grandma Braisted and Gracey.

 

 I really don't know what they are looking at.
 

 Silas is quite the charmer.  He had just told Great Grandma " I love you, you beautiful woman!"
 

 At the Discovery Center

 

 

 Jonathan's mom's work purchased this stone in memory of Karagen, it is in the garden at the Discovery Center.

 

 Big chair at the discovery Center.  I need one of these.

 

 Silas had a butterfly walking all over him.

 

 Visiting with Janet Dixon- Gracey was trying out all the chairs.

 

 

Singing wit the children at camp with streamers.  Silas was supposed to up there too, but he decided he needed sleep.

SADLY I didn't get any photos of Grammy!  Or Pop Pop.....next time I guess.

For you Karagen

And for me.....

    Finding words to express how we feel after losing Karagen is difficult.  Describing emotions even more so.  We love Karagen yet "I love you" doesn't say enough.  We miss her yet "I miss her" can never describe the feelings that well up when we mention her name....or a memory floats through our minds.....there are no words and there is no comfort close enough to ease the ache.  It simply is impossible.
   Sometimes I ask myself when will I get over this?  Then I realize, I will never get over losing her....I will never get over loving her.  I will live the rest of my life with an ache where there was once the glow of love.  Her unique presence filling my heart with its life and warmth.
    Then to realize that there is few pieces left of the woman I used to be and the life that I used to live.  There is only what remains and that is forever altered.  I have to get to know myself again, re-learn how to live, excepting this "new" me.  Fragile yet strong.  Emotions unpredictable.  Either gushing tears or silently angry or somewhere in between.
    There are no words terrible and awful enough for death.  If there were I'd say them.  I'd rend my clothes and sit in sack cloth and ashes and still would feel no better.  There is no "feeling better".

   Yes it's hard to describe.

Here is a poem we read in our Bereaved Parents Group.  Of all the poems we read this touched me the most.

Jessie's  Karagen's Piece

 

The world's a jigsaw, once I thought,

With each of us a piece to fit,

A predetermined Grand Design

And each of us a part of it.

 

I thought that God must surely have

A blueprint of His final goal,

And all who come into this life

Are meant to play some fated role.

 

But when my little Jessie Karagen died,

It seemed to me but sheer caprice

Where fits a child in God's design

Who never lived to add her piece?

 

How often I walk alone

To still the anguish in my heart,

To ask why God would make a plan

In which my child had no part.

 

One day upon a village square,

I happened by a tiny shop.

What random step had led me there?

What in the window made me stop?

 

It was a quilt, a crazy quilt,

Each brightly colored patch,

A joyful work of art

From scraps you'd think would never match.

 

I looked upon the quilt with awe

To think a thing so oddly fine

Was stitched from fragments never made

To fit anyone's design.

 

I wondered then if God might wish

That in this way His world be built,

Each life a motley-colored scrap

And He the weaver of the quilt.

 

If such be true, I realize,

My child's life, though short it be,

Is yet a joyful, shining patch

In God's eternal tapestry.

 

I looked upon the quilt and saw

A patch that seemed sheer caprice,

So whimsical it made me smile.

I knew it was my Jessie's Karagen's piece.

 

by Robert Brault
 





 

I love you Karagen.  Our family is not complete without you.

 

Forever.  I love you.