The Day After

   I woke up from a vivid dream @ 4am. A little precocious toddler, with a head full of light brown hair, smiling at me with that adorable twinkle in her eyes.  Then the realization socked me in my stomach and burned in my heart- she's gone!  Followed directly by thought: "God, you took her!" 

   I have spent so many nights for the last 3 weeks getting up many times a night to minister to Karagen.  I have spent the last 6 1/2 months researching, reading, applying, praying and desperately seeking for a way to help Karagen beat her cancer.  Jonathan and I spent hours trying to figure out ways we could help her body heal.

  She's gone.

  There's a whole in my heart that burns and aches.  Her flavor, her sparkle, her light is forever extinguished.  Every time I look at one of our other children I see her. When I look at Jonathan I see her.  When I look at her chair, the room she was in, her clothes, her blanket keeping me warm this morning, I see her.  When I look out at our back yard, I see her playing there.  All those glimpses of her, everything leads me to thoughts and memories of her.  All those millions of times I have gazed at her these last nine years and have been filled with love and joy.  She was so much a part of all of us.  There's a face missing at the table, a warmth missing from our home.  Our family will always be one too small.  Oh the joy when you add another child to a family,  the despair when one is taken away.

 For Karagen:
Safe in the arms of Jesus, safe on His gentle breast
There by His love o’ershaded, sweetly her soul shall rest.
For us:
Jesus, my heart’s dear Refuge, Jesus has died for me;
Firm on the Rock of Ages, ever my trust shall be.
Here let me wait with patience, wait till the night is over;
Wait till I see the morning break on the golden shore.

Karagen, heaven is not just a little sweeter, it's brighter and more beautiful.  I have no idea what it really looks like or feels like or smells like.  But you gave me-us a little heaven on earth.  Because  I know you, and what you brought to us, heaven is not just a place anymore, it's a home.  It's not just a destination, it's a hope, it's not just a goal, it's a reunion.  I will forever miss you, I will see you everywhere, always.  I love you all the number in the world plus one!  I love you the mostest with the hostest!

  I/we will find joy, we will find a way to cope, to function.  We will find a way to create a new family dynamic, new traditions, new beginnings.  God will be our ever present help, and has been! But for now, we survive.