Waiting

Wednesday, April 4, 2012, the day my life changed forever.  The day the doctor said: "You'd better sit down.....there's no easy way to tell you this".....the day the future, my hopes and dreams changed forever.  "Your daughter Karagen has a tumor along her spine, it is compressing her spine and that is what is effecting her legs.  She also has a tumor in her brain."   Words.....just words.... but the truth....a reality I did not...... DO NOT want to face. 
  My daughter has medulloblastoma, a rare brain cancer.  The difference with Karagen's case (hers is very rare) the tumors in her spine are massive, she has them the entire length of her spine.  She has the golf ball sized tumor in her brain, and then smaller lesions throughout the brain.  How can it be that my beautiful daughter is being killed from the inside out by the monster cancer?  How can it be true that we could be losing her?  How can I lose her, how am I supposed to let her go?  How can we choose treatments that will put her through further suffering, burn her with radiation, cut her with surgery, drown the cells with chemo?  She has already had emergency surgery on the area of her spine, her incision goes from the back of her head to between her shoulder blades, this surgery was to save the function of her legs.  Little did I know that this surgery was only the beginning of the waiting, the agony, the unknown, the known.


This is a moment by moment process of trying to trust God  I say trying because I am--just--trying.  My emotions meet hope and look up, only to speak with the doctors the next moment to be reminded  that our chances are slim, they come crashing down to despair.  I am praying, committing, believing, crying, trying......grieving.....crying.
And yet I focus on one true thing, Cancer is not the big "C"  Christ is!